When you feel too much….

Sometimes the things you do are good, sometimes they are bad, while other times they are obscene. No matter what your actions or words are they always have the effect on those around you. Whether you see it or not, it’s still there. The damage is done at each word, at each pause, it sinks in more and continues it’s damage even after you are no longer present. As the path of the hurricane leaves havoc in its wake so do you so others may know where you have been.
It’s your fault, but it’s not your fault, as I’m beginning to understand. I may have a hard time believing that to be the truth but that doesn’t make it any less real to you. Things that others take for granted don’t even occur to you, nor seem like a good idea. Things that don’t even occur to others seem like God’s gift to you. It’s hard to accept this behavior from even a stranger let alone someone that was so close. Things I can’t even fathom happen every day whilst being normal & nothing to be ashamed of. No regrets.
The changes and emotions that must be experienced, have to drive a person crazy. I can only hope it doesn’t entirely seem normal to you while experiencing the moment, though, actions would prove that not to be the case. While people normally don’t control themselves very well, add more severe problems on and see what happens. I’m now aware of the results of this and I can feel nothing but regret for not understanding sooner and compassion for the unfair situation that has been dealt. How easy it is to feed directly into the bad, craft it into something so unimaginable, make it the next level of unacceptable.
When the emotions are so much and they come crashing over you like the weight whole of the ocean seeking to drown you. Everything is out to get you, it seems the Karma has a special target sought after relentlessly day and night. It seems that everyone is talking about you and mutterings behind your back when in reality they don’t know you exist. Going to the shop and feeling the walls closing in just heightens the feelings as you start sweating, heart racing almost to explode. The progress seems to go one step forward and five back, others comment how it gets worse. But, progress to me, is to continue living. To make the demons quiet for only moments before they start digging back in, the simplest things help or hurt instantly.

When…

When. When will it become easier? When will functioning “normal” actually become real? When will simple tasks and events in life become something I’m capable of…