The Last Emotion

Uncertainty & Doubts.

Not knowing what to do or what to think. It can be the worst to some minds. Slowly driving you crazy thinking about the past and wishing things weren’t so bad. Worrying that everything is wrong, that every decision is wrong.

I really don’t know what I’m doing here. From day to day everything could change in an instant. It already has so much and continues to do so. To be honest, it scares me, it scares me a lot. When nothing can be set in stone or remain to be depended on that’s a big issue for me. Not silly things like what time is dinner, but whether our daughter sees us or not or who gets holidays or big decisions that involve us all. This whole time I’ve tried to keep myself aside and let you do what you want. What you think you want, get it out of your system.

Unfortunately, I’ve only been hurt and hurt again in the process. Hoping you would figure something out and talk to me. Hoping something would click and you would want to work out our broken family. The only chance you gave me was during something I didn’t even know about, you were willing to face everything and work it out for that child. I personally think it was for all the wrong reasons, but that could have been a conversation that I would have loved to have with you. Instead it didn’t work out like you wanted and just hurt me more because I was helpless to do anything. Each shred of information changes both of us, something like that would have made a world of difference I would have had you come back the day you told me. I have a hard time understanding what you do but I always try to ask and to get you to explain so I can understand. I can’t fix or work on something I don’t know about. It’s so difficult to even try and keep up.

No matter, I’m not worried about the past at this point. I’m not, I can’t. I’ve beaten myself up enough about it and I simply can’t do it any longer. I said this was my last emotion for a reason, I can’t do it, my entire life is stressed around this. I have worked hard to forgive all that has been done to me and I’ve really made strides to fully flush it from my system which is a big deal. I thought at first, I was over things because of the anger and disgust. I just was so shocked and wrapped up in it that I thought there would be no way to get over it. Time truly heals and makes it hurt less, but only when something is undying such as my feelings for you. When our child put your hand over my chest and held it there I just melted away, I could have cried. She understands and knows where mommy and daddy are supposed to be. So many things started rushing through my head that maybe everything could work, maybe we should try, maybe we should get married. I’ve never felt like this about someone before and unfortunately, I won’t have this chance or situation again. Thinking about what to do and the next morning seeing your lock screen stopped me dead in my tracks and could have killed me. That sleeping together could mean so little that you do it while having another man in your mind and being involved with. Watching you sleep, hearing you snore so loud it’s annoying, because it doesn’t matter it was mine. I thought it was, if even just for a glimpse.

We have our only child and we won’t have another. I truly would have loved to if it was any way possible. It’s priceless that I have your only child and I don’t take that lightly. It’s one of the many reasons I can’t bear to give up. Especially after such a short time. It’s only been a couple months I’m struggling so much on how that little amount of time is more important than what this could be. I keep trying to give up and let it all fade away for you so you can finally be happy. But, I haven’t been able to up to this point. We have such a strong connection, we’ve lost contact and found our way back, we’ve been through so much and here we are. I can’t get over the waste that this situation is because I still love you so much. It hurts so much to see you do these things and act the way you have and continue to do.  I never wanted any of this but it takes two to tango.

We both were going 50/50 when in fact we needed to be 150/150 on everything. Together or not we still need to be this way. For our child, because she deserves the best we both can offer, setting our own differences aside. I don’t think we are giving her that now and I can’t help but feel that we should be and there is no excuse large enough to warrant not. I don’t want to start a new family, I have one. It’s broken, destroyed, hurting, and in need of repair but it’s ours and it is so special. I guess the biggest closure item for me is that it’s such a waste. It’s been so close all this time but just inserting into a new situation is much easier to ignore the past and pretend it didn’t happen. Sure, it certainly is but man oh man, Why! It takes time to perfect something, things don’t happen overnight. It sucks for a long time before it’s easy and fun all the time. Everything you say you want I’ve always strove towards and just because it wasn’t quick and right now it didn’t matter. It’s not about the short game, at least not to me. I don’t need someone to hold me to be happy, I want someone to love me as much as I love them and do anything for each other. Spend what little time on this life that we have together and sharing each precious moment with.

Each time I see our child growing up or on my week when she does something new, I can’t think of anything except how proud I am of her and how much I wish you were experiencing it with us. The same for the week I just don’t hear from her or see what she’s doing. I hate to miss a single second and this situation is so precious I don’t want either of us to miss a single second of her growing up. When we’re going to sleep and I start praying and she asks me what I’m doing, praying. Why are you praying daddy? I’m praying for mommy and for daddy so we can be with you forever because we love you. I want to pray too daddy. I want to pray for mommy. Enough to make any grown man cry.

Falling asleep and she says love you daddy goodnight. I ask her to hold my hand so I don’t have bad dreams and she says yes daddy I’ll hold your hand. If she starts to have bad dreams she comes and asks for cuddles and falls right asleep with her arm wrapped around me.

Each thing has stressed me out more and more while trying to build not only my life but something for our child as well. Buying a house and fixing it up, I’m going to try and buy the place next door as well to create more income. I have three vehicles and I’m going to look at a group of 3 to fix, keep, and sell. Desperately trying to make things better every chance I get. I want to give her something to start with. Working long hours and doing what I need to, it’s always been for family. It was hard to be so ahead and then change my focus to something entirely different. Getting together with you was the biggest change in my life I would have been much different if not for you coming along. With all the pain and troubles, I still wouldn’t change what it is because we wouldn’t have our child. We wouldn’t be in a position to have something so amazing.

The hardest thing I have done yet is keep being supportive for you in this time when you’re sitting next to me and all I want is for you to be happy. Trying to accept that it’s not with me. Holding you knowing that you’ll be going back to the arms of someone else. Having your hands on me I’ve never felt so calm and stress free. Even picking at my skin and causing me physical pain I’ve never felt closer to you with my head in your lap. All while knowing that it will be over soon and you’ll never be there again.

Each moment with her as well as you are both perfect and heart breaking at the same time. I don’t want you just for her, I know you think that. I don’t love you just for her. I love her and I love you for giving me this opportunity to be a loving father. I have always wanted a family you know that. I do love you, I do want you. I would do anything to make you both happy. Even if that means letting you go and doing something else with my life. I can’t bear to see the struggles that this will become in the near future. If this is truly not worth saving then I will agree to give up. We can finally just be friends because we won’t be fighting and I won’t be focused on getting you out of my head. You never leave. No matter how hard I try I’m jealous of what I can’t have and I don’t stop thinking of scenarios. Not that I don’t want to see you with someone else, I just want to see you with me. It’s not about anyone else, I hate that others have gotten involved along the way it’s never just been us. By both of our faults it’s never been just us. It’s not fair to base decisions on that and it seems like such a waste. It’s such a huge failure on my part and this crushes me either way. If you do, god forbid, die I want to tell my daughter I did everything I humanly could with her wonderful mother.

Not exhausting every ounce of effort and energy is killing me. We all deserve much better and it’s such an achievable result. I think we’ve both tried within our own limitations and the only thing that held us back was the lack of communication to each other on how to help each other. It’s only about building each other up and reaching new levels and it’s so hard on your own. Especially when people around you make you feel more alone. I’ve never wanted to bother you with myself because you have so many problems of your own and I didn’t want to add on to it. When reality is it would have been easier for both of us to just be open and talk through things. Much like we need to do now, except for other reasons. Accepting the moving so far away is the current stress, I can’t believe you could do that to all of us. I truly believe that is unfair. I’m completely helpless though because you are in control, I have no say in anything and I am no longer thought of nor priority. I don’t have any way to take you to court, even if best case scenario I got shared parenting you would still retain full custody and it wouldn’t keep you from leaving the area. I am literally helpless to do anything against your wishes. I am not only begging you but asking to think things through more, please don’t do this. If I said I believe you haven’t thought about this at all I’d be lying, I honestly think that’s why we don’t get along. I think you know I’m right a lot of the time but maybe just unsure what to do.

I’m tired of not eating simply because I’m stressed out that the smell of food makes me sick. I’m tired of fearing sleep only to be haunted almost as bad while I’m awake. I don’t enjoy any of my favorite activities because all I do is think over things too much. Wondering, wanting, yearning for everything to be worth enough to work. You are to this day my first kiss, first love, first family. I am proud of you and love you enough that I want you to be happy no matter what.

 

Well this is me giving my best shot and jumping off that cliff, knowing that I will fall but praying to God I can fly. You keep saying maybe it won’t happen, maybe you won’t be doing this. Tell me I’m not crazy and I’m not the only one. Don’t lie anymore, to yourself or others.

I am leaving this entirely in your hands. You must decide what you want to do because it will never work any other way. I think I have said everything on my mind and hope that it means something. I do not wish to cause either of us pain or trouble. I will do whatever it takes to fix whatever we need to no matter what you choose. I could not be more sincere with my feelings and thoughts and hope for once that I’m not a failure anymore.

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