The Girl who never knew….

To the girl who never knew how to truly love me,

I’m really not sure if I should be writing this to you, but I know that this is the only thing that can start to give me the much-needed closure that you just aren’t capable of.

Putting any of this into words isn’t easy, despite knowing how important it is for me to do so. But I have come to realize that forgiveness is the first step to moving on, and so I decided to forgive you. Even though it is your illness that seems to control everything you do. Even though sometimes it’s hard to attribute all your actions to the illness. I forgive you.

Even though you broke my heart, it’s okay. Even though saying that we left things on ‘good terms’ is probably the overstatement of the century, it’s okay. I’m okay. The constant and vivid thoughts throughout every day of my life will go away. The lucid and graphic nightmares every night that wake me up in a cold sweat, will go away. The burden of regret and failure will fall away. “I’m okay.” I keep repeating under my breath through each day.

I want you to know that I loved you, loved you enough to stand by you as your constant and bear everything that you threw at me (admittedly failing most times), and yet despite that, I wasn’t enough for you. My words were never enough. My actions were never enough proof. It always had to be a step above what I could accomplish. It was always compared to someone else. It was never truly me you saw, it was always chasing the dream of what you wanted.

But there’s a silver lining here – it’s all thanks to you that I now understand how imperative new beginnings are. We all deserve a second chance, you included. It’s all thanks to you that I am the man I am today. It’s all thanks to you for the shift of things that I now cherish in life and know are important.

Despite all the emotional scars you have left on my heart and those pantomime of lies you played, I forgive you. I forgive you for all the unforgettable behavior. I forgive you for your adulterous liaisons. I forgive you for all the hurt that you caused me and above all else, I forgive you for letting me go. If it truly does more damage to stay than leave, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I have come to realize that your need for constant affirmation was a by-product of a lack of love and compassion from your childhood and others in your life. You were (& are) a broken woman, but we all deserve compassion and because of that, I am extending my own to you. Even though I may have never fully understood and still don’t most days. That doesn’t make you deserve less. I realize more each day how toxic it is in your mind and everyday life and I can’t hold it against you.

Carrying grudges can fill our hearts with poison, something that I do not want to possess nor take part in. Letting go and making amends allows us to move forward. As there is so much hate in this world already, I do not wish to contribute to it any further. I will take the blame and ensure that one of us can go on to have a painless and happy life.